When I started sharing my life online via my blog and on social. I was in my early 30’s, working hard on healing from a severe Crohn’s flare, online dating, heartbreak, and all of my posts served as an outlet.
I completed a mini-marathon without training one year and followed it with the Triple Crown the next. I was working like a madwoman to distract my mind from whatever was happening in my body as it was my method of escapism. I dropped 20 lbs, lost a lot of hair; on my head, my lashes, and brows.
I was ill and it became the new norm. I truly lived on the “fake it till you make it” mentality just to push off the inevitable with chronic illnesses.
I spent time with people that needed to be saved because I thought I could save others and that would save me. The links broke when it was time to rally the friends for me, they weren’t there. That’s where toxicity existed within me. Saving anyone other than myself meant I was making them a part of my identity so when they ghosted, I was hurt but I did it to myself.
I believe that life is an echo, but I echoed from a codependent stance with temporary people; which brings the inevitable feeling of rejection. Rather than lurk around it’s time to flex on my exes and move forward.
I’m SOO OVER that period in my life. The relationships changed once I realized that it wasn’t balanced. I don’t need to save or guard people, I need to love myself and let it flow to me naturally. I have enough love, hope, and healing in my life that I can only focus on what’s in front of me by releasing toxicity in myself and others in the philosophical sense.
Physically I’m no longer on chemo, removed another two prescribed medications whilst cutting the rest of the dosages into halves is a miracle with the major support from my husband, naturopath, over 130 NATURAL supplements, walks in Cherokee Park, and spending time with my family. The fatigue is the most crippling impact on the quality of my life but it will pass.
In the meantime, I’ve set some goals to crush to keep myself at peace, my blogs refocusing on all components my life, not just the painful ones. The dog days are over.
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