Vanity

Tell me what you don’t like about yourself.

Better yet, tell me what you do.

Start small and work your way to the bigger list items.

You may make them visual aspects of your looks or invisible aspects about your character.

In those items, did you find anything that surprises you? Would you be shocked to see if any of them would be a sin? How about the one sin we all carry to a degree? Vanity. Vanity doesn’t mean that we’re the prettiest flower nor does it mean that we’re lowest weed. It simply means that we hold something about our looks to be near and dear or to be a desire we have that we cannot obtain.

Vanity can even be an invisible trait that we hold for our accomplishments that we hang on the wall whether it exist in the form of degrees, certifications, accomplishments, or things we’ve done. Vanity is vanity no matter what we gain excessive pride from.

So me being the person that proudly lifts herself up to be a vulnerable person to connect with others means I gotta walk the talk so here I go walking it … And it’s the “it” I teased on social.

My vanity has been and will always exist with my hair. My hair is my favorite thing about myself. I’ve always loved it. I love the sensation of running my fingers through my hair. I love when my mother plays with it. I love it’s mildly wild flare because it never really does what I want it to but I learned to accept it over time and to just let it be what it is.

I loved it so much that I never even thought what it would be like to lose it. Who would think about that? Who would think about losing something they hold dear until it happens?

Being a 34-year-old woman I didn’t think it would happen to me anytime soon if ever. My mother and father both have great hair so I never thought I’d lose mine. That is until I was diagnosed with Crohn’s right before I got married in December 2015 but even then it was such a fast re-diagnosis from a great doctor that told me I probably wouldn’t lose much.

Losing much means a lot now.

At first I didn’t lose any then bit-by-bit my hair started breaking off and before I knew it, the thick hair I had all of my life wasn’t the hair I knew. The volume ran out and went limp. The thickness went away to the point that I thought about wearing hats. I looked into clip-in extensions, wigs, and finally spoke to my stylist about it and after I tried every treatment under the sun, I decided to get fusion extensions.

I looked at it as a short-term fix till my hair grows back in and I thought it would be much sooner than news that was just told to me.

This past Friday I had a colonoscopy and with it I had a biopsy with the first finding of a lovely polyp that has been growing. Given my history, my doctor said “cancer” and I immediately wanted to cry but I didn’t till I was in the car on the way home.

The biopsy will be back in this week and another scope to follow. I’m not looking forward to the next scope but I can say that I’m ready to figure out a solution to my ongoing health saga. I type that as I grin and roll my eyes at myself. I should probably take my health much more serious but when I do, it takes me to a darker space and I’d rather stay in a brighter one so that’s that.

I can say that I’m excited to start a new drug, pending my insurance approval for Humira and a new round of chemo to go. “Yay, life!” moment, right? It actually is. I could be in a different predicament without healthcare. I could go undiagnosed in a country that cannot provide any form of assistance.

So it is what it is … Yay, life! Now I must return to the vanity, it’s a better read.

Are you wondering if I’m selling you on anything? I’m not. You can get extensions, hats, wigs, or whatever from anywhere. If you want to know what salon I go to, send me a private message on Facebook and I’ll tell you. But one thing I hope you takeaway from this blog post is the realization that vanity isn’t always such a sinful sin. It’s in our core to be proud of one thing we do or have and hopefully you’re grounded enough to have the invisible aspects that you hold dear be a substantially longer list than the visible aspect one.

Even if it isn’t, I won’t judge you for it. It’s not my place nor anyone else’s on earth. So wear your pride with whatever gusto you feel necessary because life is hard.

Sometimes it’s hard to even get out of bed.

Congratulate yourself on it if you’re able to get through life without a battle but know you’re in a great minority so before you judge another person on their struggle or their feelings on loss, I hope you’re willing to hold a magnifying glass to your life for others and tell them what you don’t like about yourself and what you do.

I like my hair. I don’t like my Crohn’s. I accept the season that both exist within. Acceptance is a great thing. I’m still working on it, what about you?