I used to view life as black and white. You were either right or wrong. You either wanted to love someone and you only loved that person or you didn’t love that person and were incapable of doing so. Over the last year of my life I have been challenged, shaken up, and tested on this theory black and white area. My outcome is that I discovered a whole new world of grey area with grey subjects, categories, people, et cetera.
Hell, these shades of grey could be the 50 that EL James reference in her book, 50 Shades of Grey. The complexity of these levels makes me question my beliefs that I held so near and dear to my heart with my actions, the way I expect other people to act, and it has effected who I have let in my life, who I’ve kept in my life, and who I had to sadly let go from my life. Bringing people in and letting people go from your life is not an easy thing.
I feel … I feel everything. I feel happiness but it is bittersweet, I feel sorrow but it is followed by joy for what is to come, I feel all of these contradictory feelings but the one that remains is that I feel joy.
I feel joy for letting my heart out of its cage long enough to be hurt again. To feel love again. And ultimately I feel ALIVE again for taking a risk and being with a human that has the full capability of destroying it but praying that they realize the frailty of this already delicate organ and won’t crush it again.
I came to this beautiful place after a series of events that made me realize that this human being was being genuine. That he was regretful for what he had done to me and everyone else involved. That he was ready to be with me. He was going to change and be the man he swore he was when I first fell in love with him. He was the old “him” and that made my walls come down faster than I ever thought they could. It has been a sudden and drastic thing but this person took a gigantic step and asked me for my hand in marriage.
He asked me to be his “person”, his soulmate, the woman he fell in love years ago and was willing to do anything it took to make me happy every single day for the rest of my life. Sure, it sounds like a lofty goal for anyone to make to another person, and me being a hopeless romantic thought this was amazing, but a pragmatic friend I have popped into my mind and had made me question this quite a few times. And to much surprise, he hasn’t failed once, not even for a second. He’s supportive, loving, fun, spontaneous, positive, creative, adventurous, happy, et cetera. He’s everything I need at any given moment and he doesn’t faltered, not once.
This is me giving my heart to another human being and praying they won’t crush it again.
This is me coming home to the only place I’ve ever felt safe in the only home I’ve ever known.
This is me giving our love and our life a second chance. Praying he won’t break my heart.
This is the second chance. The leap of love. The grand ultimate gesture.
This is it.
So here we are just walking down our path, making our way, on this amazing adventure.
You’re my partner in crime. My best friend. You’ve got my back and I’ve got yours.
Look at this journey we’re on. I don’t know what the path looks like ahead but I can guarantee that our journey will be full of love, excitement, support, and happiness. Today, tomorrow, and always. You’re my human being and I am yours; forever and always.